Hey, how it’s going Choplifter? Oh, it’s Choplifter HD now, I see. Honestly, I didn’t expect to see you at this remake party, but I’m happy you’re here — there are a lot of games I’d like to avoid at this get-together. You haven’t changed a bit! I’m glad to see you’re still the same old side-scrolling, hostage-rescuing, enemy fire-dodging helicopter under all those flashy new 3D graphics. Good old Choplifter! Gotta love ya, even though sometimes you’re such a difficult jerk you make me want to throw my monitor through a window.
Your mission objectives are… well, let’s just say they’re interesting. I mean, it’s a given that you’d want me to save x-number of civilians time and time again or destroy enemy drug cartel crops, but I did not see those hordes of zombies coming. Pulling objectives off while managing my fuel and health and avoiding every type of enemy fire from jets launching air-to-air missiles, tanks, EMP beams, and anti-aircraft guns keeps things just different enough to prevent repetition from killing the mood. But man did those last few levels get tough! Sometimes I had to wonder if you were pulling a prank on me, old pal, but then I remembered how difficult you were to deal with so many years ago. I just had to roll up my sleeves and use some old school persistence to get through these difficult portions you were offering up time and time again.
Good thing my chopper pilots help me keep my cool with amusingly cheesy banter. It’s great that you never really take yourself that seriously, even when you’re asking me to save intrepid reporter Scoop Sanderson’s hair on every level of the game. Oh, and when our mutual acquaintance Duke Nukem dropped by for a cameo to drop a few one-liners of his own? That was a nice touch.
If I may say so, this new 3D look of yours sure works well with your old-school 2D gameplay. It’s cool to see tanks moving to the foreground, or spot enemy troops as they line up a shot from a rooftop at the bottom of the screen. And I do appreciate how each of your helicopter classes all work well with the levels they were designed for, like when I use the Little Bird to speed through enemy fire, the heavy Blackhawk when I needed more passenger space, and then the Apache when more firepower was required. Unlocking more powerful versions of these helicopters made me want to play with you even more — afterall, if I need just a few more stars to unlock a better Apache, it’s well worth the time to get a better score on some earlier levels.
Can I tell you something personal, though? You should have had yourself checked for bugs. After hanging out with you for about seven hours, I can’t help but notice these fun-suckers crawling all over the place. It’s really frustrating to get attacked by a jet missile strike with no warning during the Kitchen Sink mission, or when I’d drop off an elite Ranger on a rooftop during Feed a Cold and then nothing happens. And don’t get me started on only being able to shoot down incoming RPGs some of the time.
Oh, I can remap my keys? How kind of you to offer! Personally I prefer a gamepad for your kind of action, so I’ll use that instead, but you’d be surprised how few PC games seem to offer multiple control schemes these days. It’s very courteous of you to let me choose for myself.
Well, I have to get going, but it was sure great to see you! I wish you nothing but success now that you’re back in town. Oh, if I can offer one last bit of parting advice: charging $15 at the door is a little much considering you don’t have any multiplayer modes. No, leaderboards don’t count — but they don’t hurt either. But yeah, I’ll let all my friends know that you’re a lot of fun, even when you’re being kind of a dick.